Hearts of Adoption Option

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   I was 28 when we 1st started trying to get pregnant. Sitting in the waiting room of the fertility clinic is when we discussed adoption as a possibility. Following my 30th birthday is when that possibility started to look a lot better than the hormones and procedures that ended with no results.
   We picked an agency and started the process of getting on the wait list - for us that took nearly a year. 2 years ago we finally made it onto the active waiting list, I think we were spot #147 of waiting families. The average wait time is 3-5 years!
   We were approached in that 1st year about having our file shown to a family but ultimately decided that it was not an ideal match for us. I was really torn over wanting to step up and be the right family and yet felt really overwhelmed with all that would entail. I also was really not looking forward to potentially 3 years without a match - what if we passed up this up and never got another call again?
   So, we settled in for a year and a half of waiting. We finished our landscaping, went to Cuba, and tried to live in the moment rather than waiting for the future.
      This year on St. Patrick's day I got the call we had been waiting for! A social worker called to say we had been matched - we were the chosen family! All I could do was listen, I was crying too hard to speak. I called Trevor, my mom, family and friends, I felt like I was going to burst I was so filled with emotion.
   We met the birth mother the following week and then our weeks were filled with trying to get ready for baby. During that time I took supplements and pumped so that I could breastfeed when the baby arrived.
   At the same time, we kept in contact with the birth mother through emails. Looking back there were plenty of signs that the adoption wouldn't go thru, but we chose to focus on hope instead.
   May long weekend we got a text she was in labour so off to the hospital we went. After a long drive we got there to find out she no longer wanted us in the delivery room with her, so we waited. The baby was born and still we waited. In the end, we waited 12 hours only to find out she had changed her mind.
   I was absolutely devastated, and I'm so grateful Trevor was able to keep it together to get us home. I'm grateful to my mom, G, C, K, J, and everyone else that helped us pick up the pieces.
   I learned a lot about myself, Trevor, and our marriage through this experience. I can be strong even when I feel broken. I have a strong partner to lean on and keep me going. We have an amazing support system of family and friends who know that healing involves a lot of crying, anger, quietness, and knowing just how to be there for us.

So we're still waiting, and still have hope that that when it's right it will be right