Mother's Day is a day to celebrate and pay respect to our Mothers; the women who nurture us, love us, and give birth to us. Well, the latter statement may not be true in all cases. Many couples today are not able to give birth and choose to adopt. Have we ever stopped to remember and celebrate the women who place these children for adoption? They give the greatest gift of all life.
Now there is a special day to celebrate Birthmothers it is called Birthmother's Day and is celebrated a day before Mother's Day. Birthmother's Day celebrations have been taking place for years in the States; in Canada it is a new event and is long overdue. Adoption Options is the leading licensed adoption agency in Alberta and is sponsoring Birthmother's Day in Calgary and Edmonton. They have been working with a committee for several months to prepare for the special day. The committee is made up of Birthmothers (who have placed through closed and open adoptions) and social workers at Adoption Options. I have been asked to be a part of the planning committee. I bring experience as a birthmother and as a board member of the Adoption Council of Canada.
I have my own stories to share about my experience with adoption. I placed through an open adoption. An open adoption means that I was in control of choosing the adoptive family. Adoption Options (the private agency I placed through) spent time counseling me to help me decide if adoption was indeed the best choice for me.
After deciding that open adoption was the best choice for my baby, I spent time discussing what type of family I would like to place my baby with for example, was religion or ethnicity important? The agency then selected several files of possible adoptive families. I was able to select the family that I felt I connected the best with, and was later able to meet with them. All of the adoptive families that have been approved by Adoption Options have been through workshops and have had police/security checks done. The couples have also had extensive counseling and a homestudy. I often say that choosing the adoptive family is like meeting your spouse. You just know if it is a match or not. It is a magical moment, like no other. It is nerve racking, intimidating and extremely emotional (for everyone involved). I knew right away that the family I chose was the perfect family; this baby was meant to be with them.
Throughout my pregnancy we discussed possible visitation and contact for the future. In an open adoption visitation or some type of contact is encouraged. This sounds scary to most people, but really it makes sense. We owe it to our children to be honest with them. Many adoptees that I have spoken with comment that they resent the lies, they just want to know why they were placed and where they came from.
The visitation agreement is not legally binding. In my situation we have all decided to meet once a year and keep in touch over the phone or through mail. We have formed a relationship as friends. Seeing my son with his family reinforces my decision. It brings me comfort and peace of mind. I believe that he is where he belongs. Most people do not fully understand what a birthmother goes through. Years ago, before open adoption, many birthmothers were not even told the sex or size of their baby. The baby was taken from the mother immediately and then handed over to the adoptive family. The birthmother was sent home, often without counseling, and expected to move on with her life. Can you imagine?
Adoption used to be something very secretive. The adoptees were rarely able to get information about their birth family, and the birth families were given very little, if any, information about the adoptive family. I have received letters from several birthmothers who have tried to reunite with their children. Conducting a search in Alberta can be a difficult task. Until recently, birthmothers and adoptees both had to be registered with the Post Adoption Registry in order to be reunited. Now the Alberta adoption legislation has opened the adoption records. The Post Adoption Registry can provide you with your birthfamily information (if you are adopted) or information on the child you placed for adoption if he/she is over 18 ½ years old.
Reunions can often be a let down. Some people (either the birthparent or the adoptee) have no desire for a reunion. Often these people have learned to be silent about their experience with adoption. A reunion is like opening an old wound that never really healed. The birthmothers and adoptees that are unsuccessful in searching must go on living with a horrible void in their lives. The successful searches and reunions mean building brand new relationships and overcoming years of preconceived notions.
I have found it really quite amazing how many people have been, in some way or another, affected by adoption. I don't think you could sit amongst a roomful of people and not find one or two who have experience with adoption. For so long it was something that we didn't talk about. Adoption often came with negative and shameful thoughts why?
Adoption is about love and sacrifice. I was pregnant at a time that was not the best for me or for my baby. There are so many couples out there who are unable to have children of their own. It just seems to make sense to me. Honesty also makes sense. We need to respect all of the people involved in adoption, which means being honest with them. My heart bleeds for the many women who have been treated with such disrespect. I cannot imagine what Mother's day is like for these women. I pray that they will find peace some
day. I hope that Birthmother's day will help give these women some comfort I know it will for me. I have never felt that Mother's Day is my day to celebrate. Mother's day belongs to his mother, the woman who is raising him. Yet, still I feel that I have been forgotten. I am hoping that Birthmother's Day will help people remember the sacrifice that we, as birthmothers, have made. Some birthmothers (like myself) ultimately find peace with the adoption experience but even more live with an emptiness in their hearts. It is time for women to start healing. Healing begins with honesty, communication and recognition.
A birthmother in the States recently wrote the following words "Despite this invisibility, and denial, birthmothers are mothers. We are not egg donors, or baby making machines. We have names and faces, hearts and stories. The process of pregnancy and the act of birth are profound, life changing experiences. When birth is followed by the abrupt loss/separation from one's child, a mother is plunged into the most difficult of human experiences grief, loss, despair, shame, and failure. This is the traumatic aftermath of an adoption decision for a birthmother".
I cannot put it any more eloquently than the above it is so true. I go to bed every night and think about my son. I am grateful that I know how well he is doing and how very much he is loved. Still, there is a piece of my heart that will always feel empty.
Recently my uncle, who was adopted through a closed adoption, received a call from an agency informing him that his birthmother has been searching for him. My uncle is 45 years old. He has never had any desire to meet his birthparents. He says that his parents are the people who raised him I agree. However, the woman who carried him for nine months has lived the last 45 years in pain. She has had a constant yearning just to know if he is all right, and to let him know that she chose to place him because she felt it was best for him. His letter back to her, letting her know how well he is doing and that he is grateful for her choice, gave her a much needed peace finally.
On Birthmother’s Day, the Saturday before Mother’s Day, please take a moment and think of the women out there who have placed a child for adoption. Please remember that we live with this experience everyday of our lives. I am not suggesting that anyone feel pity or remorse for us just take a moment and celebrate our choice.
"Every child needs two things. One is roots; the other wings."
(Author unknown)
~ Eryn Dewald ~
Now there is a special day to celebrate Birthmothers it is called Birthmother's Day and is celebrated a day before Mother's Day. Birthmother's Day celebrations have been taking place for years in the States; in Canada it is a new event and is long overdue. Adoption Options is the leading licensed adoption agency in Alberta and is sponsoring Birthmother's Day in Calgary and Edmonton. They have been working with a committee for several months to prepare for the special day. The committee is made up of Birthmothers (who have placed through closed and open adoptions) and social workers at Adoption Options. I have been asked to be a part of the planning committee. I bring experience as a birthmother and as a board member of the Adoption Council of Canada.
I have my own stories to share about my experience with adoption. I placed through an open adoption. An open adoption means that I was in control of choosing the adoptive family. Adoption Options (the private agency I placed through) spent time counseling me to help me decide if adoption was indeed the best choice for me.
After deciding that open adoption was the best choice for my baby, I spent time discussing what type of family I would like to place my baby with for example, was religion or ethnicity important? The agency then selected several files of possible adoptive families. I was able to select the family that I felt I connected the best with, and was later able to meet with them. All of the adoptive families that have been approved by Adoption Options have been through workshops and have had police/security checks done. The couples have also had extensive counseling and a homestudy. I often say that choosing the adoptive family is like meeting your spouse. You just know if it is a match or not. It is a magical moment, like no other. It is nerve racking, intimidating and extremely emotional (for everyone involved). I knew right away that the family I chose was the perfect family; this baby was meant to be with them.
Throughout my pregnancy we discussed possible visitation and contact for the future. In an open adoption visitation or some type of contact is encouraged. This sounds scary to most people, but really it makes sense. We owe it to our children to be honest with them. Many adoptees that I have spoken with comment that they resent the lies, they just want to know why they were placed and where they came from.
The visitation agreement is not legally binding. In my situation we have all decided to meet once a year and keep in touch over the phone or through mail. We have formed a relationship as friends. Seeing my son with his family reinforces my decision. It brings me comfort and peace of mind. I believe that he is where he belongs. Most people do not fully understand what a birthmother goes through. Years ago, before open adoption, many birthmothers were not even told the sex or size of their baby. The baby was taken from the mother immediately and then handed over to the adoptive family. The birthmother was sent home, often without counseling, and expected to move on with her life. Can you imagine?
Adoption used to be something very secretive. The adoptees were rarely able to get information about their birth family, and the birth families were given very little, if any, information about the adoptive family. I have received letters from several birthmothers who have tried to reunite with their children. Conducting a search in Alberta can be a difficult task. Until recently, birthmothers and adoptees both had to be registered with the Post Adoption Registry in order to be reunited. Now the Alberta adoption legislation has opened the adoption records. The Post Adoption Registry can provide you with your birthfamily information (if you are adopted) or information on the child you placed for adoption if he/she is over 18 ½ years old.
Reunions can often be a let down. Some people (either the birthparent or the adoptee) have no desire for a reunion. Often these people have learned to be silent about their experience with adoption. A reunion is like opening an old wound that never really healed. The birthmothers and adoptees that are unsuccessful in searching must go on living with a horrible void in their lives. The successful searches and reunions mean building brand new relationships and overcoming years of preconceived notions.
I have found it really quite amazing how many people have been, in some way or another, affected by adoption. I don't think you could sit amongst a roomful of people and not find one or two who have experience with adoption. For so long it was something that we didn't talk about. Adoption often came with negative and shameful thoughts why?
Adoption is about love and sacrifice. I was pregnant at a time that was not the best for me or for my baby. There are so many couples out there who are unable to have children of their own. It just seems to make sense to me. Honesty also makes sense. We need to respect all of the people involved in adoption, which means being honest with them. My heart bleeds for the many women who have been treated with such disrespect. I cannot imagine what Mother's day is like for these women. I pray that they will find peace some
day. I hope that Birthmother's day will help give these women some comfort I know it will for me. I have never felt that Mother's Day is my day to celebrate. Mother's day belongs to his mother, the woman who is raising him. Yet, still I feel that I have been forgotten. I am hoping that Birthmother's Day will help people remember the sacrifice that we, as birthmothers, have made. Some birthmothers (like myself) ultimately find peace with the adoption experience but even more live with an emptiness in their hearts. It is time for women to start healing. Healing begins with honesty, communication and recognition.
A birthmother in the States recently wrote the following words "Despite this invisibility, and denial, birthmothers are mothers. We are not egg donors, or baby making machines. We have names and faces, hearts and stories. The process of pregnancy and the act of birth are profound, life changing experiences. When birth is followed by the abrupt loss/separation from one's child, a mother is plunged into the most difficult of human experiences grief, loss, despair, shame, and failure. This is the traumatic aftermath of an adoption decision for a birthmother".
I cannot put it any more eloquently than the above it is so true. I go to bed every night and think about my son. I am grateful that I know how well he is doing and how very much he is loved. Still, there is a piece of my heart that will always feel empty.
Recently my uncle, who was adopted through a closed adoption, received a call from an agency informing him that his birthmother has been searching for him. My uncle is 45 years old. He has never had any desire to meet his birthparents. He says that his parents are the people who raised him I agree. However, the woman who carried him for nine months has lived the last 45 years in pain. She has had a constant yearning just to know if he is all right, and to let him know that she chose to place him because she felt it was best for him. His letter back to her, letting her know how well he is doing and that he is grateful for her choice, gave her a much needed peace finally.
On Birthmother’s Day, the Saturday before Mother’s Day, please take a moment and think of the women out there who have placed a child for adoption. Please remember that we live with this experience everyday of our lives. I am not suggesting that anyone feel pity or remorse for us just take a moment and celebrate our choice.
"Every child needs two things. One is roots; the other wings."
(Author unknown)
~ Eryn Dewald ~